ISSUE No. 3: Beauty

Even more than the revival of 1940s glamour, I love the revival of 1940s glamour via the 1970s. Enter: the uber-fabulous, Jane Forth. Famous for being splattered with the blood of a baby after it hit the pavement after having been hurled out of the window of  a highrise apartment for screaming too much in Warhol''s "Bad".

Face
I have always hated red lipsticks. The engorged labia comparison is just too desperate and obvious. And when you're high, a talking face-pussy is more than a buzzkill. I have always been partial to oranges, frosty pinks and magentas en lieu of reds. However, Chinese lacquer and blue-based reds suddenly have my approval. I recommend that after reddening the lips, one go over the bottom lip - and only the bottom lip - with a liberal coating of Mack's Glass.Over the course of the evening, keep your lips slightly parted to ensure that none of the shine on the bottom lip transfers to the top. Two lines of
cocaine - snorted - should make this task easier. Don't worry about appearing vain, potential suiters will read your subtly open mouth as a sign of availability. And spend major portions of the evening trying to put their genitals in it. Rouge the cheeks with crimson or scarlet blush either applied with a brush at an extreme angle into the hairline covering the temples or smear an apricot color onto the apple of the cheek with fingers. Do not blend. The more it looks as if you applied your make up in the dark or let a child of four do it for you, the better. No blending is key! Shave off your eyebrows and never pencil in any kind of substitution. This way you can extend the application of garish-colored creme eyeshadows all the way up to the middle of your forehead or beyond and it will appear completely natural. Use white eyeliner for the interior lids. A dark blue mascara. Use an acid green eyeliner in the undereye area. If one of your eyes is significantly smaller than the other, is lazy or slightly crossed, apply heavy amounts of eyeshadow to that eyelid area only. Preferably in aubergine or a metallic turquoise. For special occasions, you may use cosmetic on both lids if you include false eyelashes. I am always in favor of individual lashes applied to the lower part of the eye, but if using full top lashes, apply one underneath the eye or somewhere on the cheek making sure it's placement appears "accidental".

Hair
You bitches aren't fooling me for one minute! The predominance of long, tousled hair en vogue for the last few years is nothing more than an homage to patriarchy and a badge of submission to the phallus. In these trying economic times, females have become quick to embrace rescue fantasies. All you Rapunzels need to stop tempting Prince Well-Endowed-in-the-Checkbook with long, lustrous, hot-rolled, neo-Farah Fawcett hairdos which he's really looking at as the joystick he'd like to yank on
while knocking you up doggy-style. Don't part that shit down the middle and then have the nerve to tell me it's not how you remind men that you are parted down the middle elsewhere. My solution is to shave it off. Get a nice, no fuss, crew cut, ladies. That is my solution for this fall. However, if your head is full of weird-looking dents, ugly scars, or is just mal-shaped, compromise by just greasing your hair down, brushing it back as tightly as possible putting it all up and back in a ballerina-style bun. Stop washing it.

You do not want the shiny glow of health. You want the sheen of Bryl Cream build- up. For when it's just too dirty, bring back the headwrap. Rhoda Morganstern-style. Babushkasare nice too. But, a scarf or a piece of fabric that's tied to the head well, can be the masterstroke of accessories transforming an outfit from blah to beautiful. It's just the right way to say 'I'm Bohemian.' and 'Men'll fuck me no matter what's growing out of my scalp.' Don't let me catch you being ugly!
XOXOErik